One Semester Left: A Story Of Survival

I hate it here. It’s my fourth year of college, and every day I wake up wondering why I’m still doing this. I never thought I’d end up feeling so haunted by a choice I made with the best intentions. I worked so hard to make good decisions so I’d never have to live a life I hated, and yet here I am. Part of me wants to blame the world, and I don’t want to face the fact that I, in a way, am responsible for the choices I made. I want to close my eyes, cover my ears, dissociate and make it all go away. That's not gonna happen. So, I guess it’s time to step up and face it.

I’m an Ecology and Evolutionary Biology major. I landed here after switching from general biology, thinking it’d be an easier route—but I’m starting to realize that no route in biology is actually “easy.” When I started college, I had no idea what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, or even what I wanted out of life. I was a kid blindly following a path I thought would bring me success. Looking back, maybe that was my first step toward failure, but of course, I didn’t know that then. 

My first career path was Data Analytics. I took an internship in an office, where I learned quickly what true misery felt like. I’d drag my feet to work and practically fly home, realizing that a 9-to-5 job in an office was never going to be for me. After that, I moved into biology, thinking I’d finally found something meaningful. One breakdown later, I declared it as my major. But things got harder, not easier. 

During my sophomore year, I took Biology 1107, which at my school is pretty much a pre-med course, meant for “future doctors.” The professor said that on day one, and the imposter syndrome hit so hard, I spiraled. The anxiety became physical—I was shaking before every lab until eventually, I just couldn’t do it. I had to drop the class. And I told myself I’d never let something like that happen again. Spoiler alert: it did.

The short version? Undergrad has been hell. Now, as a senior, that hell has just taken on new forms. Personal life? so deep into flames that even Satan wouldn’t be able to handle it Academic life? On probation. The second half of my junior year, I honestly wanted to end it all. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t care about my grades, and now I’m standing here on academic probation, failing two classes, and barely passing the others. I know I’m the “worst” student in those rooms—my professors’ disdain is almost tangible. I got a 12/100 on a recent test. If you’re thinking, “Well, no wonder you hate college,” I wouldn’t blame you.

But here’s the kicker: I actually love science. I still love my major. Somewhere along the line, though, I lost that spark. Professors didn’t help either—I think 80% of my passion has been killed off by their criticism and indifference. But here I am, one semester left, barely hanging on. And even if it takes me more than one semester to graduate, I’m okay with that. At this point, I just want to finish, even if the journey looks nothing like I expected.

For so long, I obsessed over the idea of being “successful,” thinking failure wasn’t an option. It took the universe making it my only option, for me to start letting go of that. And the truth is, my biggest failure hasn’t been in classes or grades; it’s been in taking care of myself. How could I expect to succeed when I hardly eat, hardly sleep, and dread every day? I got so focused on external “success” that I let others dictate my worth. And I let professors dim my light, convincing me I wasn’t smart enough, that I didn’t belong. I can’t keep living like this, and no medication has been able to fix it, no matter how many I take.

So now what? I’m honestly not sure how to move forward. How do I forgive myself? How do I let go of this constant guilt and self-blame? If you’re reading this and you can relate, know that you’re not alone. It’s hard to keep going, but maybe we can find some hope together. I’ll keep sharing as I try to rebuild my spark, and I hope you can find yours too. Maybe we can remind ourselves that even if we fail, life does go on—and that’s a start. <3

RCM